how to make up for love lost

If you ever wake up one day and find out that you no longer love your significant other… scratch that. If you never really loved your significant other in the first place and you suddenly get tired of pretrending to, take the following steps to make up for that.

  • First, understand why you don’t want this relationship or whatever arrangement it is that you have with them to die off, at least for now. If you live together, chances are you might want to find a place of your own first, then move out, maybe your finances are not just right, maybe you’re hooked on their loyalty, maybe their bed-game is tight, maybe they’re just too hot to leave like that, whatever. Make sure you know why you are undertaking this project.
  • Next, fix your timeline. When do you want to leave? This need not be a specific date in the future, time flux is permissible in this game of hearts. It might be when you feel better about yourself, when they’re ready to handle a breakup, when your finances bounce back. Whenever. What’s the rush for?
  • Then, know your enemy as yourself. Oops, I just said that out loud. Sorry, know your lover, well, as yourself. What are they like? Easygoing? Naive? Nice and friendly? Jealous? Possessive? Passive aggressive? You and I both know that the list of possibilities is endless. 
  • Have you figured them out yet? If you have, congrats, you can move on to the next stage. If you haven’t, you want to go through steps one, two, three again. Maybe even reconsider the project. Consider this a pitstop. Take a breather. Why so serious?
  • Now, this always works. This next step that is. ACT NORMAL.  Don’t break up your routine just because you started feeling love-lazy. If the ritual is a kiss first thing in the morning, then please keep it up, at least for the first few days. Even if their morning breath is as fragrant as a manure pit. This is essential. By the time you start acting up and they start noticing things, you already have a headstart.
  • When they are comfortably oblivious, start making your moves. The key is poco a poco (Italian for little by little). Do one thing or two a day out of the ordinary. Let the phone go to voicemail. Sleep off on the couch. Skip that check-in call. Tune off in the middle of a conversation. As usual, the list goes on and on… 
  • Chances are they’ll first be thrown off by this new development. But no one wants to be a jerk or so self centered that they cannot make concessions from time to time. So at first they’ll keep quiet. 
  • This is a critical stage. Don’t overdo things or you’ll get a premature conversation. Apart from the little off things, be as sweet, nice and normal as usual. 
  • Watch them carefully. Once it looks like they’re about to start stringing a patten together, switch things up. 
  • Now, before they get a chance to complain about things, apologize about them.  e.g Bed not made 3 days in a row? “Babe, I know I haven’t been much help around the house nowadays, I’m so sorry, I really hope you understand”… you get what I mean.
  • Tell them about issues that are making your life complicated and stressing you out. Tell them it’s possibly why things haven’t really been rosy lately between you two. Those things need not be true, mind you. Just tell them stuff to keep them thinking about how they can better be of support to you in your “time of need”.
  • Should they start being too nice or getting too close for comfort at this point, fear not, your plan is working. 
  • Next step is slowly start pushing them away. Say things like- “you’re smothering me” or “I’ d really like to deal with this myself”, but quickly add “I appreciate the effort though”.
  • This is your cue to become reticent. Withdraw, don’t call them, don’t reply texts, frustrate every attempt to meet. Enter into your shell fulltime.
  • At this time, if they’re first timers, they’re still desperately trying to fix whatever is wrong.  If they have been bitten at least once before, this is the point they realize that there’s a snake in the rafters.
  • Drag out this phase for as long as your timeline permits. The dreaded conversation is coming soon. 
  • From time to time, act sweet, do something nice for them. Offer them a massage. Write generic birthday messages maybe- sweet and sappy. Awww – inducing one-liners. Things like that. 
  • By this time, most people- first timers and old folk alike can take no further. The rollercoaster has been too rough of a ride. That conversation is imminent now. 
  • Hijack the conversation before they can organize their attack. Let them know that you appreciate how much of a rock they’ve been through this particularly trying period. Tell them once this is over, you’ll make it up to them. That night maybe, lay on some  special horizontal-gymnastics moves. 
  • Slowly and carefully, revert back to pretending to love them. Re-establish old patterns and practices. 
  • Then Start all over again.

REPEAT AS OFTEN AS NECESSARY… as your timeline permits.

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