November 2, 2014.
I am literally alone right now. Utterly and completely alone. I’ve heard all about the post graduate blues, but what i am feeling now is not just blue, I can feel a rainbow of colors- the entire spectrum of white light and I don’t mean it in a good way. I am staying at my uncle’s house somewhere in Abuja. Actually, I live in a separate apartment from the main building- it is a mark of respect to “preserve the doc’s privacy” and normally I’d like the arrangement, but today it feels too isolated, too quiet, too hollow for my liking. Maybe, that’s because it reminds me of the state of my life now.
I used to volunteer at a hospital here in Abuja, but now, I am preparing to start the remedial course to take my licensing exams. I am scared that maybe I have not given myself enough rest before undertaking this program. The licensing exams are quite tough and to a certain extent I am scared of flunking and so I must attend the remedial course and start as early as possible to prepare if I must make it- at least that’s how I see it. Part of the reason I even started volunteering in the first place instead of taking an extended holiday, was so that I wouldn’t wake up one morning, feeling like this- that is apart from keeping my mind sharp and improving my practice which is the official reason I gave myself for volunteering. But here I am and the reality of my circumstance has caught up with me.
All the people who milled around, shortly after the graduation to celebrate the first doctor in the family have long gone. While they were sometimes an unwelcome distraction from the more pertinent issues I had at hand, they provided me at the time with a peculiar sense of “collective ownership” of my success and by extension of my responsibilities. Of course, it would have been silly to really think that ( a guy can dream though, can’t he? ) but at the time it made me feel that at least in some strange way, I was not in this alone.
However, reality rears its ugly head and now, there are no distractions, no volunteer job to keep me too busy to think, no manual labor to send me straight to sleep once it’s done, nothing- just silence. There’s no escaping it, the journey ahead is long and the route is uncertain, the prospects are only partially clear and I am scared, really scared. But I am alone in the driver’s seat- the sole passenger on this journey to my destiny… Yea, this epiphany really helps my mood!